Charley Horse

I can’t walk.

It may seem a bit exaggerated, but with twenty minutes left in practice, a 6’6 Monster kneed me in the thigh and … yes, I had to report to the training room with a serious physical injury known as the “Charley Horse.”

My immediate reaction was to hobble off the court in an obnoxious whining/laughing noise.

PE Teacher: Dude, You're acting like Red when she's drunk..

I ignored her truthful comment and rolled around the sideline, screaming, and covering my face. My coach comes over and says, “Are you happy you got all the attention?”

“Yes” was my response.

I then shut up and proceeded to stand.

The PE Teacher cheered me on with her always encouraging words, “OK Now Do It How U Do It Gone And Walk It Out”

At this point I’m envisioning myself gradually going from a slow walk to a jog and eventually returning with a miraculous run back onto the court.

Me: Alright, here I go…

I began walking with a slight limp. The severe pain was relentless, so I fought back by increasing the pace of my walk… still the limp remained.
PE Teacher: I Said Do It How U Do Gone And Walk It Out...

Me: I’m really trying dude.

I attempt a jog and stop. I attempt again and stop. All the while, I’m cringing my face like I just ate an olive or one of Red’s dinners.

PE Teacher: OK Do It How U Do It Gone And Walk It Out.

Me: Dude I get it… I think it’s gonna be okay.

I proceeded to walk back and forth on the cold unforgiving wooden floor.
PE Teacher: I Say Do It How U Do It Gone And Walk It Out!

I burst into a sprint… fail.

Me: It’s a really fucking bad Charley Horse dude lay off!

After trying to convince my team that this Charley Horse was very severe and not a typical muscle spasm, they left me in the training room with snide comments such as “Pussy” and “How’s the little baby doing?”

Wow, they are really mean girls.

I decided to do a little research on my own. It’s now been over five hours since I got bulldozed over and I can hardly walk. I scream every time I straighten or lift my leg to assure any listeners of the severity of the pain. I also want my roommates to feel bad for me. I mean it kind of worked... I got Chinese food and home baked cookies out of it.

Back to the research.

I looked all over Google, read up on Wikipedia, checked out YouTube videos on “NBA’s best Charley Horses,” ate a bowl of mini-wheat cereal to ponder on my findings, and finally settled on some pretty serious shit.

WebMD: “Muscle spasms will get better with rest and time. The outlook is excellent for most people.”

I just prayed to the Jewish God that I am "Most people"