I have the little congestion/ cough thing that’s going around this God awful campus. So, I’ve been up since 6:30 this morning hacking up my lungs and wondering what I’ll do on the five hour bus ride to Concord University this afternoon.
I envision the trip going as follows…
First seven minutes: chomp down five dolla footlong
Next 53 Minutes: Write romantic love poems
Next hour: shake Red until she wakes up. Then tell her I was bored. She’ll probably say something along the lines of “Fuck off” then I’ll spend the remainder of the hour attempting to sleep.
Hour number three: Envision a plate of homemade chocolate chip cookies on my lap, but then settle with snacking on a box of Special K chocolate cereal.
Hour four: Ask repeatedly “How much longer” just to see who will curse me out first. I’m assuming it will be that little bitch, Might-As-Well-Be-Virgin-2… cunt.
Hour five: Write an exaggerated blog about how awesome the bus trip was.
So once I finished planning out my day I started reminiscing on yesterday.
At around noon yesterday, Might-As-Well-Be-Virgin-2 and I realized we had a quiz in Facilities Management at 12:25. Another classmate was in the computer lab with us and chimed in “It’s open note and book.” So we smiled in relief and opened our notebooks to study.
“Fuck”
(FYI, if you haven’t noticed, I have a slight cursing problem. “Bad words” were never an issue in my household- we used the F word as often as “I love you.” Dad likes to tell people I learned the alphabet, Fuck A, Fuck B, Fuck C… and so on.)
Unless Chapter’s 1,2 and 3 were on poetry or pictures of ice cream, we were SOL.
Game time.
20 minutes. Due to lack of friends, we called up our only other companion in class. She happens to be the biggest slacker known to College. She rarely attends class; I seriously think her day consists of tanning, running, and bullshitting. She dropped off her notes and said, “I don’t remember what days I missed, but I have enough.” Surprise, Surprise. God love her.
We now had 12 minutes, so we asked some lady counting money if we could use the teacher’s lounge copy machine. After attempting to say "No", we quickly told her we would just go find a coach for help.
We ran downstairs and found one of our assistants. “Please coach we have ten minutes we need these copied.”
Coach looked at us like we were ruining his morning with our lack of responsibility and complaints.
“Forget it, what’s the password, we’re breaking in.”
Surprisingly, without hesitation, he spouted out a few numbers and as we sprinted back up the stairs he shouted, “I didn’t tell you that!”
Yes you did.
Might-As-Well-Be-Virgin-2 and I walked in to that lounge like we owned that bitch. I put page number one in the machine and started hitting all kinds of buttons. Might-As-Well-Be-Virgin-2 reaches over and slams on the Start button. Success at last… NOT. Page after page after page starts spitting out into the lounge.
I start cursing repeatedly in a steady whisper, “fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.” Might-As-Well-Be-Virgin-2 is laughing so hard she starts crying. I attempt to push her out the door and put my hand over her mouth while mumbling “Shut up, Shut up!” her continued obnoxious laugh resulted in me imagining an escape plan. I figured I’d sprint for the back door, down the stairs and right into class where I’d happily fail the quiz, leaving my partner in crime to take the heat… SUCKER.
As I was lifting my leg for take-off, Might-As-Well-Be-Virgin-2 starts slamming on buttons, eventually stopping the machine.
We grab the 83 copies of chapter 1 and decide we’ll at least get 1/3 of the quiz correct.
We sneakily turn the corner out of the teacher’s lounge, with red faces, ready to jolt down the hall.
“COACH!” It was our other assistant coach walking to her office.
“What are you guys doing?”
Cool, calm and innocently, we explained, “we’re about to go to class. But heyyyyyy
Please help us. Please, we have a quiz in four minutes and we need these pages photo copied.”
Out of utter shock and confusion she approached the machine and said “You idiots were about to make 917 copies?”
“That wasn’t us Coach.”
After acing my quiz, the rest of yesterday was a blur. Although, I did see Black Swan last night and literally had night mares about psycho anorexic dancers all night.
So ready for today.
No comments:
Post a Comment