Let's Be Honest

Dick offers our house a good bit of entertainment. He's different than most when it comes to opinions or actions regarding relationships. I asked him to explain his charming ways for the blog world and unfortunately his vulgar, brutally honest opinions are now published for all to judge. I in no way approve or agree with any of the following statements.

Dick's take on human relationships in fewer than 1000 words:

Boy is born. He spends the first three years (give or take, depending upon how big of a pussy he will be when he grows up) sucking on his momma’s nipples. Even at a young age, Boy realizes that tits are tits –they all look alike.

Shortly after this awkward relationship, he is sent to elementary school, where he will spend the majority of his younger years believing girls have cooties. (Little does he know, most will have “legit cooties” by the time they reach 24).

Myself on the other hand, am not like most boys. I got an early start. I remember in the 2nd grade, I routinely picked on girls I liked. I once got sent to the principal’s office for grabbing a girl’s ass during square dancing. How was I to know she was going to be surprised enough to jump back and kick the record player that the teacher specifically told us not to get near?

(Save the old jokes. I get it! Yes, I went to elementary school when they had record players).

It wasn’t much longer after that, that I began writing the Will you go out with me? Letters- check  yes, no or maybe.

Next thing you know, I’m in middle school spending hours talking on the phone and trying to hide my boner during Gym class. Most people in 7th grade were talking about their first kiss.

Nope, not this guy, I spent the majority of my science class fingering girls under our lab tables.

I figured it was time for a girlfriend…

I think my first relationship was in 8th grade. It lasted about a whole 4 days before I thought someone else who expressed interest in me was hotter. This trend continued for 3 years until I met my first real girlfriend. I wasn’t quite sure if we stayed together because we both really liked each other or the fact that one of her favorite things to do was swallow my unborn children. Either way, it was a great 2 1/2 off and on years.

I really feel my first love and I would still be together had it not been for the 25ish girls I hooked up with while we were dating my freshman year at WVU. Oh Well.

WVU was the beginning of the end. For almost a year, I had my cake and got to eat it too. Once we broke up, it took a while for me to adjust to the real world and a real relationship. You can’t blame me too much; everyone likes being a whore occasionally. After I accepted the fact that I couldn’t hook up with anyone that said “Hello” to me, I finally settled down.

This next fiasco lasted a little under two years, but the “Snowmagedon” of 2010 abruptly ended that for me. Imagine being snowed in with your significant other for two straight weeks after you just spent the entire month of December traveling by car and stuck on a boat together.

Needless to say, that was my first redheaded mistake.

I have three reasons why relationships do not work out. Pay attention Idiots.

Reason #1 why relationships are fucked up -gay marriage

Lesbians are surrounding the Eastern Pan Handle. They scissor with their girlfriends 98.9% of the day and they occasionally come out of their caves to eat something other than vagina.

Reason #2 why relationships are fucked up, we all want what we can’t have and we try to change people.

I have a good friend that feels the need to spend most of her time chasing guys who have girlfriends or husbands. The problem is, she’s not the only one. Good luck.

My third reason involves another friend/associate. I’ve been hooking up with this girl on a strict Tuesday/ Thursday basis. That all changed when she asked me on our first date to see “No Strings Attached”. Little did she know, I also had several other “no strings attached” kind of girls and she became angry, threatening to NEVER “help pack my bags” again.

Reason # 3 Do not keep secrets or lies from your significant other/others.

Last week in class helped me come to a realization that we are all pretty much fucked in this day in age. As this stupid bitch behind me talked about her “fiancé” (he has a name you dumb cunt. We get it! You’re settling for one penis the rest of your life -way to think that one through). I came to my conclusion on relationships. Riddle me this, 50% of marriages end in divorce (proven fact). Of those 50% that stay together, I would say at least 30% do it for financial or convenient reasons. 10% stay together because they probably have some kind of fucked up disease that they gave to each other while cheating, so they can’t get another significant other. (Unless they visit positivelysingles.com.)

So guess what folks! That leaves 10% of us that will probably be happy in marriage. Sounds promising huh? Yeah, marriage can pretty much “GFI” go fuck its self. I’m content with being single!