Today, Dr. Maxwell Martz told me, “You are embarking on the greatest adventure of your life- to improve your self-image, to create more meaning in your life and in the lives of others. This is your responsibility. Accept it now!”
Well, Maxwell didn’t tell me personally -he died in 1975. BUT I read his expectations in the magical book that Captain gave me and the fact that Maxwell used “You” obviously means he was talking about Me.
Side Note- I recently learned that I was a “Red” personality. I’ve known all along the traits of my personality, but it wasn’t until Tuesday night that I realized personalities have designated colors. According to my results, I seek leadership; I’m controlling, bossy, demanding, I’m self-centered and I consist of every bad trait known to human kind.
After hearing my test results I instantly lied, “No way- that is not me.”
The whole world screamed “Yes, yes it is you conniving little bitch.”
My Red personality obviously explains why I truly believe Maxwell was speaking to ME, but it also explains why I need to take Maxwell’s advice and think up a new strategy for life. I opened my journal and titled the page:
I’m Accepting of My Responsibilities… (and Applications For New Friends)
1. Improve self-image: This was a hard topic to approach. I figured I should start with simple everyday changes and go from there.
a. Start brushing my hair
b. Stop stealing the microphone before games and shouting obscene comments at the other team when the coaches aren’t in the gym.
c. Stop saying my favorite color is “Mexican.” It’s surprising how many people find that offensive.
d. Start writing useful notes during class, stop writing “I Hate Class” during class, or just stop sitting in the front row because the teachers find my doodles super unpleasant.
e. Stop using the excuse “I’m an athlete” to get away with wearing sweat pants five days a week.
2. Create more meaning in my life: Should be easy…
a. Find faith in God. Or in something other than coffee.
b. Stop calling people that think I’m funny “Idiots.” Start being thankful for their idiocy.
c. Write about more things that matter, not about things that are ignorantly hilarious or require more than six curse words to describe.
d. Do more things that make me laugh, such as attending the on campus dining hall to judge Shepherd’s finest students.
e. Stop dreaming of realistic aspirations- just get shit done.
f. Seek to be a Blue Personality- they are nice.
3. Create more meaning in the lives of others: Should be easier…
a. Keep talking and gracing the world with my opinions, my beliefs and my wonderful voice.
I have accepted my responsibilities, Maxwell, and I will embrace this life.
The whole thing regarding applications for new friends is simply because my current ones are assholes. They are idiots and they just locked me in the bathroom for 2 minutes and 43 seconds –we’re on a bus. Do you know how small that bathroom is? I started sweating repulsively out of utter embarrassment and because I have Polyps which prohibits my breathing and in small rooms I feel claustrophobic. Also because Red just discovered that Fruit Roll-Ups have tattoos on them and she just tattooed “Got to Give” on her tongue.
3 comments:
1. I didn’t even know Fruit Roll-Ups were capable of such things.
2. “Got to Give” what? A blow job? Jesus, we wonder why American Teens are having babies… it all makes sense now, the Fruit Roll-Up in their spider man lunchbox is telling them to “give, give, give”
3. Her Red hair is annoying.
So over these Kids. Ready to start my new life. Cheers to Maxwell!
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