Winners

Tonight was a good night.

I knew it was gonna be a good night when Beaver sang the Nappy Root’s song, “It’s gonna be a good day, ain’t nobody gonna die today.”

The dying part of that line turned out to be false. Red’s sister put her arm around her after the game and asked her if she had ever seen that movie, “All Dogs go to Heaven.”

Red said No… and then found out that her Dog was put to sleep… On Friday. 

(It’s Monday for any idiots reading in.) 

Smart move on her parents part considering we needed Red to win the Big game against Fairmont. 

Here’s the details on the win…

First event that lead us to victory:

After Beaver serenated the team during shoot around, we danced in to the locker room for coaches pump up speech. She had each player read a word on the board. Each word was something we needed to bring in to the game to win. Might-As-Well-Be-Virgin-1 decided to be a selfish bitch and say two words, leaving the last player, Might-As-Well-Be-Virgin-2, with no word to say. 

Coach looked confused and the team quickly explained that Might-As-Well-Be-Virgin-1 had said “Hard work AND Intensity.”

Coach responded, “Come on Might-As-Well-Be-Virgin-1 and 2… get on the same page.”

Yes, Coach quoted the So College Blog nicknames… nice.

Second event that lead us to victory:

Each player was announced, including non-starters (Me). The deal was, one Fairmont player was called and then a Shepherd player. The two would jog to half court to shake hands. 

A German chick ran to half court and surprise, surprise the announcer calls the only Jew (Me) to shake her hand. My ignorant teammates thought that was humorous enough to continue talking about UNTIL I told them, “Listen up you Hitler lovers, this is not the 40’s…. I am respected and equal and it’s not weird for a German and Jew to shake hands.” 

Then I got told to “Shut up Jew.”

Third event that lead us to victory:

Actually winning. Fuck you Falcons. We’re headed to Charleston tomorrow.

As I sit in my living room icing my shattered foot, eating an Oreo McFlurry and gossiping about the game with my wonderful roommates, I was fortunate enough to hear a wonderful conversation regarding the future relationship between Dick and Red. 

Background: Dick has this theory that he and Red will date, but he isn’t willing to give up on other lovers until September. 

Me: I hope life leads us to September

Dick: What did you just say?

Me: I quoted a poem I wrote.

Dick: Oh.

Red: I hope I have another boyfriend by September

Dick: I hope I don’t have herpes by September.

Oh, the future is so bright.

Sunday

Sunday’s rock.

I slept away my morning and then headed to the Shepherd Softball game around 12. Last season I announced for the Rams, but after complaints from any and every one that matters at this school, I got moved to chasing down balls. I guess my innapropriate random comments weren’t professional enough.

Let’s face it fuckers, normal is boring.

Anyways, my Dad and I have this weird theory that it’s okay to drink beer on sunny days because well, it just seems like something you should do. But with the big game tomorrow night, my responsible side chose Gatorade instead. Blah… normal.

The only part of the game worth remembering was Dino talking of her future life. “That’s just what I want to do, have babies with a Christian and then not have sex for the rest of my life.”

Gee, exciting.

 After finding a new found hate for foul balls, Dino and I headed out for another Shepherdstown adventure. Enjoy…

So College

Beating Fairmont in this game at 7:30 Monday

Peace for LYFE

Today I will grow

One day I'll change the world, but today I'll watch it

Color. Write. Paint.

SHIT

Why? Why did you just look through these pictures? I know why, I think it's because you're expecting me to provide some sort of entertainment at some point during this blog. I've been getting a lot of shit for my boring blogs the past couple days, but don't give me shit, it's my boring friends that you should be mad at.

 Make it a great Monday...

Ruined

Today I was told I ruin lives one blog at a time.

Nice.

Championship week starts on Monday. We piled in to coaches office after practice as she pulled up the bracket.

8^th fucking place. Cool. (Out of 16)

We got moved down a spot after some team beat some team. Typical. Anyways we’re so ready to win a ring. Sure we lost a few games here and there along the way, but shit happens.

Suggestion: Come support us Monday night at the Butcher Center. 7:30 Tip Off. Fairmont is getting demolished.

Back to my non-basketball/ way more interesting life…

Last night (Friday) I went to bed 9PM and awoke twelve hours later at 9AM. I laid in bed reminiscing on my dream of a talking Ipod and wondered why I have never owned a mute Ipod. I then picked up my flip-phone to check for missed text messages.

After closing and reopening my flip-phone five or six times, I finally gave up on the slim idea that if I opened it enough times a text message would pop up. It then hit me that I think it’s time to step up my technology game. I threw my phone on the floor and downloaded Windows 2010 to my computer.

Good bye 2003.

After catching up to this century I ate two eggs and a bagel and went back to sleep until 1:41 PM.

What am I doing with my life?

My days literally consist of shooting balls, going to class, gossiping, sleeping/drooling, writing poetry, and eating. I’m such an over achiever.

Here’s the retry of the poem I attempted last week. My ADD is so incredibly obvious…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s6fEHLz4QEw

I know I know, this blog didn't ruin any lives... But the ice cream I'm eating is definitely ruining my attempt at a healthy eating day.

Recipe: Melt one cookie in the microwave for 24 seconds + Put six scoops of icecream on top + some milk (Skim) + stir = Heaven.

Quote of the Week

Might-As-Well-Be-Virgin-1 gave Might-As-Well-Be-Virgin-2 a Reeses Cup a few days ago.

Might-As-Well-Be-Virgin-1: I want Chocolate.

Might-As-Well-Be-Virgin-2: You want that Reeses Cup back?

Might-As-Well-Be-Virgin-1: Yeah sure, I'll be an Indian giver.

PE Teacher: What's an Indian giver?

Might-As-Well-Be-Virgin-1: It's someone that gives something than takes it back...

Red: I did that with my Virginity once.

Perpetual Wetness

Dear Blog friends, I would like to inform you of a wonderful rap duo known as Perpetual Wetness. Yes, Perpetual Wetness is just as inappropriate and degrading as their name leads you to believe.

The duo consists of a Half Jew and the Homecoming King. You know who is who (check the noses)

                 

Anyways, the rap fucks humped around the stage for 15 minutes as the crowd screamed “No wonder it’s raining outside.”

Gross.

 The two performed tonight in the Battle of Shepfest and needless to say, they won me over. I don’t know if it was the Jew screaming “You can thank me guys for warming up your girls” or the King claiming his name was “Rainboots.”

Probably a combination of the two.

What I do know, is that I hate them both. I hate them because they are hilarious, worth mentioning on a rainy day and fucking dirty (dirty in both a badass and disturbing way).

I found a YouTube Video of the two assholes. Very rough video, not nearly as entertaining as tonight’s show, BUT take a look…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GSpKfVUfgvw&feature=related

     Tonight I have a total of seven assignments to complete... Unfortunately,

     Dino just walked in claiming she used her meal plan on chasers... wonder what she's doing tonight AND Red is molesting me to "Total Eclipse of My Heart"... Glee version.

     Homework can wait I suppose.

New Shirts

10 dollars! let me know if ya want one!

Fail.

My roomates/ Might-As-Well-Be-Virgins 1 and 2 are playing "Sorry" YES, the game made for seven years olds... They also decided to change their fire engine red hair to a streak of blue. Supporting team colors... NICE

Anyways, this typical Tuesday with no good TV shows and a lack of interesting stories left me to attempt my second YouTube video. It failed miserably.... you'll never guess why. I'll try again tomorrow, here is a preview:

http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=mosafren#p/a/u/0/r3GfOgzSx7I

Sweet Dude

Check out that sweet shirt!

No Jacket+Gnarly Air+Dick = So College

Cheers to 21

After being repeatedly criticized for not putting a wrap up of the weekend blog, I decided to reveal the truth: I don’t remember it, leaving you all to assume it never happened… right? Wrong, because it did happen -there’s evidence.

 It began shortly after our losing effort on Saturday afternoon. My teammates and I reported to Benders (a local restaurant/bar) and I proceeded to take note of our obnoxious team parents.

They have more fun than we do.

Goofy’s mom put it nicely, “I haven’t stopped partying since 1985.”

I responded by letting her know we weren’t even born yet. “You belong in a nursing home old lady.”

Apparently none of the old people liked that comment, because she, Red’s mom and Spiderman’s mom all three stared momentarily before yelling “Fuck You Guys!”

Yes, they’re so nice.

After leaving the 1980’s, we headed back to 420 for some younger fun.

PE Teacher turned 21, so we decided to invite a few friends over. For those of you not blessed to know Miss PE, she is one of a kind. On a normal day, she is a show. A whole day dedicated to her is nothing less than a disaster movie.

Little black dresses caused chaos all night. PE Teacher spent her night juggling three different boy’s- Playa. She got caught obviously, and the result was three different boys still following her around. Gee competition really helps.

As I flipped through the weekend’s pictures, I decided to share stories I’m definitely almost sure of:

Might-As-Well-Be-Virgin-1 lost her dignity and wallet at the local restaurant, Tony’s.

Baby took Red to the prom. By prom, I mean 420. The pictures taken on the stairs are priceless.

PE Teacher skipped the strapless bra and decided to use Duck Tape to hold her boobs up. Low cut shirts call for necessary measures.

I ate a Cheeseburger with mac sauce and a large fry.  

According to Might-As-Well-Be-Virgin-1’s Facebook comment, I think she lost her Ipod:

 “Getting Ipod stolen… So Grimy/college.” BUMMER

PE Teacher’s cake was in the shape of a penis.

When I woke on Sunday morning our house was magically clean. It’s the little things in life.

Cheers to 21!

PE Teacher, Baby, Goofy and I are sitting in 420’s kitchen awaiting tonight’s practice. The three of them are dying streaks of “Fire engine” red in their hair. They figured they were ready to change their ways.

I told them- "That's super"

Translation- "You're lying"

My lesson of the week:

The problem with change is that it's temporary for most. You know, gyms are busiest on Mondays because people feel guilty about their rough weekends and promise themselves to the treadmill for the following week. The issue arrives around Wednesday, when people decide the weekend is on the horizon and they'll start with the gym again next week.

That's how I assume this whole red hair thing is going to go. Today they change- Change their hair in an attempt to start the week fresh, to hide themselves from the randoms they may have seduced this past weekend -change their crazy ways. BUT, Wednesday they change back, partially because the red streak is temporary, and partially because they'll realize being So College is more fun than being changed.

Exploring Shepherdstown

This is what I came home to this afternoon:

DIVEG WAS HERE (at 1:20 pm) AND YOU WEREN’T…SUCKS TO SUCK.

MISS YOU SO COLLEGE BITTIES

Diveg is Might-As-Well-Be-Virgin-2’s good friend. She’s here so often that I actually expect to see her aimlessly walking around campus. I suppose I shouldn’t be THAT surprised to see she had broken in to my house.

Anyways, Dino and I spent the afternoon snapping pictures of nowhere Shepherdstown. I love this liberal shit town. Take a look at a few:

Peace for Lyfe

Might-As-Well-Be-Virgin-1 and 2

Sunny day's go well with beer

Be Not Afraid

$2.00 Coffee Rocks-GO  

PE Teacher's love

My Keys

Road signs rock

By "You" I mean "Me"

I know you'll like this :) (Not my quote) 

I believe in a world that revolves around dancing... on traintracks 

We saw her in town and pulled over to get this picture

So College= So cool

Stop War, Start a Party (Red's quote)

Picture dedicated to my teammates

To wrap up my evening, I’m icing my newly developed shin splints listening to PE Teacher try on clothes. She’s screaming for help, but Might-As-Well-Be-Virgin-1 is kindly reminding her of her age: “You’re gonna be 21 tomorrow you Asshole. Dress yourself!”

Two quick things worth mentioning:

1.      PE Teacher wears a promise ring around her neck. HA.HA.

2.      Might-As-Well-Be-Virgin-1 just told a stink bug “You messed with the wrong Pussy Cat.”

3. My number one blog fan is sitting beside me (to my left) he has nice hair and a nice jumpshot and his name doesn't rhyme with "loser"

Great Day

We just arrived back from a four point loss at UPJ. Although it’s 2:36 AM, I’m pretty bored.

Red’s cuddling with a stuffed Frog and Dick’s probably fondling some girl or just hiding from me. I would be thankful for the PE Teacher’s company, but she’s ignoring me for some paper due tomorrow…. I’m beginning to think I’d rather be left alone with the stink bugs.

I invited friends over but got denied miserably with the “No, you come here” and the “I’m just staying in tonight” lines.

I get it guys; I’m not that cool.

So, I began writing a poem to share in tonight/this morning’s blog:

I dream of a world that revolves around breakfast

Cause a good meal and a good deal of coffee can make for a good day

A good morning

But I was rudely interrupted by my Dad’s voice. He always says “Make it a great day” instead of “Have a good day.”

He’s so right though, great is so much better than good… I’m gonna go contemplate the future of this poem over eggs and coffee.

Although I have a lack of interesting topics, I’d like to leave you with the following:

First Quote:

Me: Your boyfriend bought a SO COLLEGE shirt… God love him.

Might-As-Well-Be-Virgin-2: That’s nice. I wish he’d buy me a Christmas present.

Personal input- I think he's as sweet as a Ginger Snap Cookie

I imagine M-A-W-B-V-2's Interpretation of a Ginger Snap Cookie going as follows:

Ginger- He has red hair

Snap- I'd like to snap his neck... daily.

Cookie- If he gets hard, I'll have to toss him... a waste, but oh so necessary for lesson learning

Second Quote:

Anonymous (But I’ll give you a hint-She has red hair): I respect his wishes, but I wish he would disrespect me.

Personal Input- Slut.

420

Goofy slept over on Monday night and her Triple Tits Bra must have fallen out of her bag… unless something went on that we don’t know about... Anything is possible at 420 (we like to refer to our house as 420). Infact, I often compare it to Neverland. I'm not sure which of us is Peter Pan, but I do know a lot of magic happens and I do know Dick is 28 in the real world, but no older than 15 at 420. See? very similar.

So Dick being the gentleman that he is, decided to take a picture of Goofy's bra… and then post it on Facebook:

The caption stated: “How many basketballs can you fit in Goofy's bra? Answer= 1! Are you missing something tits magee?

God he’s such a charmer.

Anyways, what I found most amusing about this degrading picture is not the tremendous bra size at all. This picture is the perfect representation of our house. Take a closer look as I explain…

1.      See that movie? For those of you who are clueless to the world of assholes, “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell” is a book made into a movie about a college student’s repulsive lifestyle. I love it. This movie is so significant to this picture because we like to refer to Dick as THAT guy: the repulsive asshole. The only difference between him and Tucker Maxx (the author) is that Dick has prolonged his repulsive college experiences by managing to stay 6 years past the average kid. Best part is he’s got a few years left. Yes, this is beneficial to me and my blogging, but not at all beneficial to the poor ignorant girls he so easily reels in. Idiots.

2.      If you take a close look at the table, actually just a look at the table, it’s obvious it needs cleaning. It’s stained with eggs and alcohol from God knows how long ago. This is my part of the picture. I eat eggs and a bagel every single morning for breakfast and my roommates always find it necessary to complain of the crumbs I drop everywhere. They are barely noticeable!

3.      In the bottom right, it isn’t too clear, but that is an electronic Catch Phrase. Yes, we have family bonding time and yes, I despise these moments.

4.      Beside the Electronic Catch Phrase, there is a coffee mug. Probably there from whoever was too lazy to carry it to the dish washer. Coffee is God’s gift to earth. It is the perfect hangover relief or the key to small spark of life in an early morning. I prefer to drink coffee as a cleansing; a way to sip away my mistakes.

5.      The two candles to the left of the table are often put to use. Red finds herself home alone often and when this occurs she replaces human company with the aroma of candles and our fake fire place. She once posted a picture on my Facebook of the fire place lit and a caption stating “come home soon.” I sometimes think she is desperate, but I’ve come to understand she’s just weird.

6.      The channel changer in the middle (Yes it’s called a channel changer and NO I don’t want to argue about whether it’s a remote or clicker or whatever), holds the key to the DVD player. I don’t like movies, I think reality is far more interesting than make believe, BUT my roommates do. They spend their nights crippling their brains with Will Ferrell’s annoying jokes and dirty humor that belongs in the garbage. Gosh, my mother must have raised me well. FUCK comedies.

7.      That leaves the plastic cup and chapstick. I’ll blame the cup on the PE Teacher for the simple fact that she never eats at home. When she does, she manages to get someone to cook for her. Lazy bitch. I also leave it to her to drink out of a to go cup for mysterious reasons. God knows what’s in there… She’s always a bit too spunky.

8.      The chapstick wraps 420 up nicely. It’s been sitting there for a week or two and I’ve personally seen all four of us take our fair share at it. Ironically, we speak of three topics in our house: Sex, STD’s and cleaning. I too find these topics inappropriate, but I suppose that’s what I get for living with two nursing majors. I do know that passing around chapstick can’t be good for prevention of STD’s… dirty.

9.      Before I conclude, I have almost forgotten the most brilliant part of this picture. The Toshiba computer to the right is mine. That’s where I sit and gossip about ridiculous and embarrassing topics on a daily basis. Blogger for Lyfe.

Advice: Do not enter 420 for fear of being put in the “Thunderdome” or worry of being blogged about. Thank you for your huge inspiration Goofy.

You Tube

Instead of intently staring at the You Tube video I am currently loading, I decided to share the process of this disaster idea.

The following video is of me awkwardly reciting one of my poems. After recording attempts 1 and 2 were rudely interrupted by Dick, I decided to just go ahead and use take 3.

My Vyvance wore off hours ago and I’ve recited this poem so often it literally pisses me off to say it. I Know Poetry … and it sucks.

Anyways the video is up. I never realized how much of a whack job I am until I watched this video. Number 1, my voice is annoying. Number 2, Red filmed perfectly for the viewers to catch a nice glance of my shaky ADHD hands and legs.

Cheers to the first You Tube video

I belong behind the scenes. So College

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6SHwkXDTdoE

So College Shirts

So College shirts are in! hit me up if you want one!

Quote of the Week

Background- Both Dick and Red are in the nursing program. From across the hall in front of the entire nursing facility prior to the start of class Dick made an innapropriate comment regarding Valentine's Day…So typical.

Dick: Happy Single Awareness Day Red!

Lessons of a Saturday

The following lessons are hardly beneficial, but for those seeking advice from a below average student attending a West Virginia Institution, I suggest you continue reading.

Lesson 1

Might-As-Well-Be-Virgin-2 sends me a text message depicting a broken windshield and a message stating:

Dancing on cars- Priceless

Broken Windshield- So College

PE Teacher had Pop, Locked and Drop Kicked her windshield in to pieces.

FYI- Last time my cool teammates decided to dance on cars, they got caught. PE Teacher’s mom let her borrow her Mini Van for a week due to a broken transmission in her typical sweet ride. Might-As-Well-Be-Virgin-2 got a message from the PE Teacher’s Mom asking why she was waving her hands in the air in the middle of an empty parking lot on top of her Mini Van.

No response.

Lesson Learned: Don’t dance on cars.

Lesson 2

My brother visited this weekend. He’s always good for obnoxious entertainment and eating our life supply of food.

On his last visit he sang songs over the house intercom at 3AM. After the PE Teacher threw her closet at him, she slammed her door shut and threatened his life. He proceeded with his performance by switching to lullabies in an attempt to nicely lull her to sleep I assume.

Such a gentleman.

Last night Morris avoided the intercom and focus on the refrigerator. He mushed 24 chocolate chip cookies together, threw them in a pan and cooked them for ten minutes.

He then grabbed an oven mitt and a fork and spent the next 13 minutes watching YouTube videos of Lady Gaga and preparing his next attack on the fridge.

Goodbye Taco meat, dessert, cereal, homemade fudge, chips, salsa and noodles.

Lesson Learned: Lock fridge when entertaining guests.

Lesson 3

PE Teacher is out for the season due to a knee injury. She tripped and slid face first down 9 Stairs.

(She claims Dinosaur bumped in to her, but it’s funnier to assume her knee gave out.)

As she laid paralyzed on the living room carpet, NONE of us even attempted to sit up from the couch to help her.

Dinosaur did kindly ask if she was okay, but only as she stepped over her to take the last spot on the couch.

Eventually she rose from her grave and let us know she barely felt anything.

Lesson learned: Don’t trip. It’s either funny or insignificant- either way no one cares if it hurt or not.

Lesson 4

This morning a few friends and I went to Betty’s for breakfast. I attempted to wake Morris to join, but he said he’d prefer to stay and cuddle with a body pillow for a couple more hours.

While waiting to be seated, I spotted my hungover ex-teammates that had been in town for Alumni Weekend. I heard quick stories of their night. It basically consisted of dancing with random foreigners and forgetting the rest.

They basically explained that they had just had a great reunion and wonderful Saturday night.

Lesson Learned: Graduate… immediately.

15 Minutes

First 15 Minutes of Practice

Background: I cracked my foot a bit more a few days ago in practice, so prior to warming up I have a slight prayer session with the Jewish God and then I attempt to run. Most of the time my body moves. Last few days … Ehhh, not really working.

As I left the locker room this afternoon I said, “I’m gonna go try to run now… wish me luck.”

S.I.L.E.N.C.E

I listened in through the cracked door and overheard Beaver say “Don’t everyone start wishing at once.”

So I decided to reenter obnoxiously, call them all assholes and once again exit.

Side note: My running was more like a pimp jog. I decided that would suffice for today.

We began stretching.

Red begins every stretch with a song or two. Today she chose Christmas Carols.

Might-As-Well-Be-Virgin-2 avoids stretching (she’s so cool), so as we did plyometrics, she made out with an apple. I called her a fat ass and shoved her against the wall.

Side Note: Her coolness was shown when she received FOUR friend requests from Concord University. Remember the whole Holly Bibb Friend request blog? Yeah, her request was followed by three lesbian requests. I assume they figured she was a homo. (She totally has that homo swagger) HAHA…

P.S. To the world’s surprise, she dates a ginger- causing us to wonder if she’d be better off with a chick.

Miss Spider Man (another Senior Captain) took practice off because 17 of her body parts are broken, sprained, or missing. So as we stretched and she cried, she comforted herself with Doritos. I also called her a fat ass, but avoided shoving her in to a wall based on the possibility of her body disassembling.

God bless our team.

First 15 Minutes Post-Practice

We have the greatest group of fans. We headed to the skybox for film and…SURPRISE! Our fans had cookies, brownies, fudge, fruit and veggies awaiting our attack. We apparently “brighten their day, every time we play,” so they wanted to show their appreciation.

SO CUTE.

Anyways, among our mingling, one of our fans asked if Little Baby and I were sisters. I answered “No Miss Fan, I’m not Mexican.”  Little Baby later asked if she could start calling me sissy. I told her I’d consider it if she converted to Judaism.

I then proceeded to stuff four pieces of fudge down my throat to avoid any more conversations.

(I took two trays of leftovers home with me.)

P.S. Huge game tomorrow against West Virginia Wesleyan. I’m currently preparing for an amazing Facebook status.

Contact me if you have any ideas.

I Deserve This

I was attending to my broken foot in the Wheeling Jesuit training room, when God spoke to me. He didn’t light a bush to grab my attention, or display any miracle for that matter. But I heard him loud and clear.

As I sulked about my broken body, I overheard these nice Catholic girls of Wheeling Jesuit University talking nasty about another team in our conference -University of Pitt Johnstown.

UPJ has a set of twins that are obnoxious, but so am I. The difference is that they are memorable and I am worth forgetting.

The following is a direct quote from Miss Catholic regarding UPJ’s twins: “I’ve never seen such an ugly girl… and there are 2 of them!”

Two things came to mind when she stated this awful opinion.

1.      Wheeling Jesuit University is covered in crosses. The campus is literally screaming, “NO JEWS ALLOWED.” Yet, with these inappropriate comments I wondered, if Jesus is pointing at you in all directions, why have you not found him?

2.      That’s funny we were JUST talking about those twins…

I hid my smile, glared at Miss Catholic and told her that one of the twins was my cousin and I didn’t approve of her comment… neither did God.

We beat Wheeling by 15. This is when God came to me.

I was sitting in a broken green chair silently clutching my broken foot as my teammates showered, packed up and prepared to leave this awful campus.

That’s when God came to me. He said something along the lines of “Catholic girls are never good. They deserve this loss.”

I laughed and got in the shower.

Then I started thinking, why is that I have a broken foot? The sting of a break lasts a lot longer than the sting of a loss.

… I deserve this loss.

I Got Dicked

Dinosaur and I were doing dishes. DISHES.

Dick sleeps in the basement for right reasons. Great for us, Sucks for him -he hears our every step. Unfortunately for him, I eat at 9am, 10am, 12:30pm, 5pm, 7pm and 12:30am… like clockwork. I make a point to stomp across the kitchen floor at my designated eating times, for the simple purpose of annoying him.

He started banging obnoxiously on the ceiling for us to shut up, but instead I decided to bang pans together.

Around noon, Dick and I had a short text conversation:

Dick: Stop cleaning at 9:00 in the morning.

Me: Stop bringing home ugly chicks.

Dick: Stop.

Me: Someone has to do the dishes.

Dick: Stop.

I never responded and assumed the argument was over.

WRONG.

 Dick takes payback seriously. Although he is 28, his every day mindset is equivalent to a 13 year old boy after his first boner –excited and immature.

TV time came around, but Ellen DeGeneres was rudely disrupted by Dick barging in to my room and pouring an entire bag of Flour all over me and my life.

Dick: You want to clean? Well, have fun cleaning your room all afternoon...

What bothers me most is the fact that he never knocked on my door. Where have your manners gone old man?

45 minutes later I had showered, shoveled up four loads of laundry and vacuumed my carpet.

Total Dick move.

Let's Be Honest

Dick offers our house a good bit of entertainment. He's different than most when it comes to opinions or actions regarding relationships. I asked him to explain his charming ways for the blog world and unfortunately his vulgar, brutally honest opinions are now published for all to judge. I in no way approve or agree with any of the following statements.

Dick's take on human relationships in fewer than 1000 words:

Boy is born. He spends the first three years (give or take, depending upon how big of a pussy he will be when he grows up) sucking on his momma’s nipples. Even at a young age, Boy realizes that tits are tits –they all look alike.

Shortly after this awkward relationship, he is sent to elementary school, where he will spend the majority of his younger years believing girls have cooties. (Little does he know, most will have “legit cooties” by the time they reach 24).

Myself on the other hand, am not like most boys. I got an early start. I remember in the 2nd grade, I routinely picked on girls I liked. I once got sent to the principal’s office for grabbing a girl’s ass during square dancing. How was I to know she was going to be surprised enough to jump back and kick the record player that the teacher specifically told us not to get near?

(Save the old jokes. I get it! Yes, I went to elementary school when they had record players).

It wasn’t much longer after that, that I began writing the Will you go out with me? Letters- check  yes, no or maybe.

Next thing you know, I’m in middle school spending hours talking on the phone and trying to hide my boner during Gym class. Most people in 7th grade were talking about their first kiss.

Nope, not this guy, I spent the majority of my science class fingering girls under our lab tables.

I figured it was time for a girlfriend…

I think my first relationship was in 8th grade. It lasted about a whole 4 days before I thought someone else who expressed interest in me was hotter. This trend continued for 3 years until I met my first real girlfriend. I wasn’t quite sure if we stayed together because we both really liked each other or the fact that one of her favorite things to do was swallow my unborn children. Either way, it was a great 2 1/2 off and on years.

I really feel my first love and I would still be together had it not been for the 25ish girls I hooked up with while we were dating my freshman year at WVU. Oh Well.

WVU was the beginning of the end. For almost a year, I had my cake and got to eat it too. Once we broke up, it took a while for me to adjust to the real world and a real relationship. You can’t blame me too much; everyone likes being a whore occasionally. After I accepted the fact that I couldn’t hook up with anyone that said “Hello” to me, I finally settled down.

This next fiasco lasted a little under two years, but the “Snowmagedon” of 2010 abruptly ended that for me. Imagine being snowed in with your significant other for two straight weeks after you just spent the entire month of December traveling by car and stuck on a boat together.

Needless to say, that was my first redheaded mistake.

I have three reasons why relationships do not work out. Pay attention Idiots.

Reason #1 why relationships are fucked up -gay marriage

Lesbians are surrounding the Eastern Pan Handle. They scissor with their girlfriends 98.9% of the day and they occasionally come out of their caves to eat something other than vagina.

Reason #2 why relationships are fucked up, we all want what we can’t have and we try to change people.

I have a good friend that feels the need to spend most of her time chasing guys who have girlfriends or husbands. The problem is, she’s not the only one. Good luck.

My third reason involves another friend/associate. I’ve been hooking up with this girl on a strict Tuesday/ Thursday basis. That all changed when she asked me on our first date to see “No Strings Attached”. Little did she know, I also had several other “no strings attached” kind of girls and she became angry, threatening to NEVER “help pack my bags” again.

Reason # 3 Do not keep secrets or lies from your significant other/others.

Last week in class helped me come to a realization that we are all pretty much fucked in this day in age. As this stupid bitch behind me talked about her “fiancé” (he has a name you dumb cunt. We get it! You’re settling for one penis the rest of your life -way to think that one through). I came to my conclusion on relationships. Riddle me this, 50% of marriages end in divorce (proven fact). Of those 50% that stay together, I would say at least 30% do it for financial or convenient reasons. 10% stay together because they probably have some kind of fucked up disease that they gave to each other while cheating, so they can’t get another significant other. (Unless they visit positivelysingles.com.)

So guess what folks! That leaves 10% of us that will probably be happy in marriage. Sounds promising huh? Yeah, marriage can pretty much “GFI” go fuck its self. I’m content with being single!