The following Blog is written by PE Teacher. I figured since my recollection of the night's events may be slightly altered, she was better suited to do the entertaining... Enjoy.
Here’s a little overview of the events that occurred during my Designating Driving responsibilities last night.
I decided it was a good idea for me to go home for the day and stay away from Shepherd for an evening in an attempt to cure my horrible hangover. I walk in the door and my mom sees my day-old nose piercing and says “take it out or give me your credit card.”
I now have a hole in my nose and I’m out 50 dollars.
After a text from Red asking if I had Might As Well Be Virgin #2’s important nail polish for the highlighter party, I grabbed my friend from home (the blogspot writer decided to name her Tank for her survival of the 21 shots on her birthday) and we forged the road back to Shepherd.
I took my mom’s minivan from home (for maximal drunk bitch space) and made my Facebook status accordingly:
“Cuz I may be bad but im perfectly good at it. Being bad=DDing in the minivan”
And we set off for my responsibilities. My responsibilities included:
1. Doing whatever blogspot writer said
2. Karting 15 girls around
3. Holding wallets/car keys and ID’s
4. Taking my Mc Fat-Ass teammates to wherever they wanted to eat.
You know, the usual.
After a few hours of driving back and forth we decide to stay at a local apartment complex for a while. So when blogspot writer decided she NEEDED some Mc Donalds because she was STARVING, we set off towards the mini with Tank and Baby. I searched everywhere for my keys but I couldn’t find them anywhere. All 3 of them told me they were going to help me look for them in the apartment rooms.
FYI- Helping me=pissed they couldn’t get their Mc Donalds/ returning to the party pretending to be looking.
After asking every drunk person and looking everywhere, I realized that even though I lost my car keys, I was still the DD and I still needed to perform my responsibilities. So at that exact moment that I had my epiphany, the cops decided to show up to tell the drunk bitches to shut up. I decided to take one for the team. I hopped in the back of the cop car and demanded a ride back to 420.
Riding in the back of a cop car = CHECK
I took Dick’s car and headed back to the apartments to drive the drunkies to Tonys. After piling 10 drunk girls in the Xterra, we head to Tonys.
Rule Number 1: DO NOT tell the designated driver how to drive. Sit down, Shut up.
I dropped them off and Tank and I headed back to the mini to figure out what to do. After being on hold for an hour with AAA (good thing it wasn’t THAT big of an emergency) I decided to have the mini towed back to 420 because technically it was parked illegally (in front of the dumpster blocking 2 cars in, we do what we want around here).
The texts came pouring in after that:
“Where are you?”
“Where is my wallet?”
“Can you come get me?”
“Where is my bag?”
“Where is my alcohol?”
You get it…
It took all I had not to respond with “figure it out your fucking self,” but instead, I set off again to continue with my responsibilities. Blogspot writer was the first to get picked up. Still wanting her McDonalds, we go to the bullshit late night menu with one of the drunk bitches getting out of the car to pee behind the dumpster. Super, that’s all we needed, a drunk in public citation. Luckily, we got the double cheeseburgers successfully.
Then I get another call because one of my “responsibilities” got kicked out of Tonys for being too young. I pull up to get her while Might As Well Be Virgin #2 yelled at the car behind me to “shut the fuck up” for their obnoxious use of their horns. My “responsibility” was carried into the car and with my broken knee, I carried the responsibility to her room and put her in bed. I was expecting a “thank you” but all I got was screams of how she needed her phone to call her ex-lover. When I said no, she began screaming like a little kid throwing a temper tantrum.
I left her phone on the opposite end of the room and walked out… HAHA…cunt.
After about 2 more trips, I finally got everyone tucked into their beds and I sat in the apartment parking lot for another hour waiting for tow truck guy. Around 4am the night came to an end when tow truck guy finally showed up. Luckily, tow truck guy was extremely hot, and I considered letting him maneuver my body like the way he maneuvered the minivan.
So here I am now, sitting on the couch at 420, listening to the stories of my “responsibilities” and contemplating what to do with the minivan parked crookedly in the driveway. I have no keys, no way home to switch cars, no way to get Tank home and regardless of my sober night, I still have a pounding headache.
Please accept the above statement as a formal resignation from ever, EVER designated driving ever again.
Love,
PE Teacher
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