My Yoga Career

My roommates and I headed to "Yoga for Athletes" - figured we would ease ourselves into the more reserved activities.

I knew it was gonna be a little iffy as soon as the instructor said that we would be reviewing the doggy position during the evening's class.

I kept my composure.

It took me approximately three minutes just to get over the fact that imitating a monkey while humming was fucking lame...but I eventually convinced myself to enjoy the moment and experience the art.

Unfortunately, while I was still humming, eyes closed, with both of my hands massaging my stomach, these dumbasses chose not to tell me that we were now “Inhaling the sun and Exhaling good morning.”

I suppose I should have heard Miss Yoga Master repeating that obnoxiously un-soothing calming technique (I can't even imagine how inhaling the sun would feel against my throat) but she had specifically told us to ignore all our daily distractions and at that time my only distraction was her annoying voice and muffin top.

Two minutes two late, I finally open my eyes- only to see Red, Teach, Boobs and Campus Bitch holding their hands over their mouths to silence their friendly giggles. 

Cunts.

I spent the next three minutes praying to God- begging him to stop my laughter.

After he didn't answer, I attempted to convince myself that I had terminal cancer hoping to initiate a few tears. That only furthered my ruckus because if I had terminal cancer I wouldn't be wasting my time doing fucking downward doggy style yoga.

God hates me.

And so does Yoga Queen Cunt Master. She sternly shouted, "If your gonna be disrespectful, you need to leave.”

I could have simply said, “I get the point bitch... gee," and made a clean escape, but instead I responded with "I'm so sorry ma'am... it's uhhh... it's a medical condition."

(This is when all the Jews should rub their forehead and whisper “Oy Vey”)

To my defense it wasn’t a complete lie, my ADHD medicine had worn off hours ago.

Basically, the belly rolls went down hill from there. While everyone was touching their toes, I grabbed my shoes and sneakily stomped out.

I then proceeded to go to the opposite window, which allows a perfect view into the yoga room, so I could flick off my roommates from a distance.

Only Red saw me.

For the Poetry Lovers: www.hannahsafren.weebly.com