Thursday, November 8, 2012

America

Surprisingly, I woke up the day after the election and things were... like normal. 

I went to work, came home, did more shit, ran... slow, ate dinner, flipped between Fox News and MSNBC, eventually dozing off to some angry Republican claiming Mitt wasn't conservative enough. 

So here I am, two days post-election, and I decide to take a dip into the oh-so intelligent Twitter World... enjoy.

"sad today about the healthcare system in this country for the next four years.....but happy for the Gays #lovewhoyoulove" 

"I'm hungry"

"BREAKING: Taco Bell's popping up all over Colorado"

"I want to be rich enough to realize I can't buy happiness"

"Wins the lottery. Obama takes all of it." 

"Everyone should be treated as an equal whether you're black, yellow, brown or the normal color."

"It's never too early to start making your Christmas list..."

"It takes 11 muscles to smile, 12 to frown and 0 to not give a fuck"

"Grilled cheese is amazing"

"Being gay=fine. Bisexual=fine. Straight= fine. You know what's not fine? Crocs."

"Marijuana was made illegal in 1937 by a man who testified that the drug made white women overly attracted to black men."

"Thank God I'm not going into the work force in the next 4 years... Grad school and a doctorate for me!"

"God is so good! My student ID has been found."

....Ohhhh the worries of America :)

Friday, September 7, 2012

Chicago


I ventured out to Chicago for a little day-trip with a top-notch Polyglass sales rep, in an attempt to learn the ways of the roofing industry.

Lesson one: Relationships.

That’s what this business is –building and growing relationships, which eventually evolves into meaningful partnerships, some even becoming genuine friendships.

While waiting for a connection flight in Philly, I chugged down a brewski with two fellow passengers and eventually found myself in a sales lesson with a former Insurance agent.

She was a mix between Pat Summit and Jane Fonda. Fascinating, I know. Before hopping on her flight to Cleveland, she left me with a tug of my hair and the following:

Know NASCAR down south. Know your customers. Know where Bob’s son goes to college; when he tells you, you write it down and the next time you see Bob you ask how little Tommy is doing at Virginia Tech. Know when to be Miss Southern Bell and when to be a hard- nosed woman. If you don’t know the answer, be honest about it. Return phone calls and most importantly, don’t always be yourself… Nope, don’t do that.

And that was good...

The trip was short, and full of roofer things. I said my goodbyes to Chicago and hopped on a flight home. I found myself seated next to an Orthodox Jew –a real one. As he so eloquently stated, “It is no accident we are seated next to each other.” Within minutes the two of us were enthralled in all things G-d.

After exchanging information, I hopped on his religious based blog and read,The underlying question for all Jews throughout all of our history has always been whether we choose to grow or not.  And by “grow” I mean taking our corporeal existence, and aiming upward, always seeking to improve."

Jew or not, this is the ultimate question for all humans, or so it should be.

The Jew and I parted ways and while heading to catch the midnight shuttle back to my car, I ran into the man whom I had met during my flight to Chicago- "it is no accident."

A smile erupted on his face as we exchanged words about our short trips. He lost his luggage- “A trip from hell” is how he said it. Ironic after my previous G-d driven conversation. Our convo was quickly interrupted when the University of Maryland Women’s Basketball Coach, Brenda Frese stepped in front of us.

Despite my age (22) and my post-basketball playing days, I was star struck as I introduced myself to the level-headed, friendly Coach. As we waited for our shuttle, we exchanged words on her upcoming season, my personal college basketball experience and so on.

I felt real fucking cool.

We said goodbye and I headed back to good ol’ Shepherdstown, WV thinking only about how I had just witnessed the best of America in less than 48 hours.

A Chicago- based hospitalities sales rep
An Asian, father of two, CEO of Canon
A 30-year insurance agent who is now retired, on her way to see her mother who “doesn’t remember this morning”
A former Military man who is now a Roofing Sales Rep
An Orthodox Jew, writer and innovator
And Brenda Frese –the woman at the core of every athletic dream, I once aspired to conquer.

People like to talk. I listen to them and they to me and that’s what this whole life thing is about: experiences, encounters, relationships.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Real World

God, I used to be so fucking cool.

What happened? I'll tell you.

I left the comfort of Large Pizza Sundays and SVU Tuesdays, for an expensive road trip to hell (others call it real life).

I packed up and moved out to Austin TX to work for a small company known as Write Bloody Publishing. Check it out: writebloody.com

It's gory and full of working... and other shit.

However, the work isn't the problem, in fact, I'm enjoying it. The real problem of working in the "real world" lies in the heart of my vocabulary.

Curse words.

And I fucking miss em', ya know?

...

I was drinking a beer this afternoon because that's what you do after a long day of work, or even when you don't have a long day at work, because I didn't even go to work today.

So I was drinking a beer because my roommate had a long day at work.

She told me about this article she was assigned for the local newspaper. It was something about how Texas rates on those "fast-loan" things have an incredibly high interest because they aren't monitored, blah, blah, this is inhuman, blah, other boring political driven finance talk.

And I told her about how my long day not at work consisted of making eleven phone calls, three faxes, and two visits to a Texas Urgent Care- all because of a little allergy drama.

And at the conclusion, we realized that the real world isn't too bad after all because the local pharmacy is open 24 hours and that means we can drink a couple more brews before I don't take out a high interest texas loan for my pills.

Life is good.

For the poetry lovers: www.hannahsafren.weebly.com


Saturday, April 28, 2012

Recap

420 spent the last 30 minutes TRYING to recap our week. We know for sure that we are out a few hundred dollars combined, the rest however is a blur... besides a few sketchy scenarios

Monday
Location: Alto's 
Event: Campus Bitch's Birthday
In celebration of Campus Bitch being 22, someone bought her a cake, then she shoved it in Red's face. We headed to Alto's for 25 cent brewskis. At midnight, the Bartender cut the music off and the entire bar sang Happy Birthday as we took shots of Patron...

That Bitch vommed all night... Sucks to be old.  

Our living room table the next morning: 


Tuesday
Location: Alto's
Event: Campus Bitch's 2nd Party

We laid around on our itchy living room couches contemplating drinking the rest of a Patron bottle. At midnight, three of the morons pulled themselves together and headed to Alto's. I was making love to my pillow when I received a phone call around 2AM PLEADING for a ride home. Boobs thanked me dearly, while Teach was in the back repeating, "How am I stilllll aliiiiive." 

Apparently Campus Bitch had snuck out earlier because she couldn't handle three people trying to buy her drinks and get in her pants with such a bad hangover headache... I mean who could?

Wednesday
Location: Soccer House
Event: Still Campus Bitch's Birthday

Some chick spent the evening searching for her boyfriend's hat because if she didn't find it, than he wouldn't give her any... oh okay.

Some dude bet some other dude 20 dollars that he couldn't pick up some chick... he lost.

Some other chick went to Sheetz and asked if the Meetballs were fried... No was obviously the answer.

Thursday
Location: 420, than Tony's, than of course Alto's
Event: Thursday night

Pretty sure the entire Baseball team was at 420. Then we made them leave so that we could attend Tony's and dance... we did. While we were there, Campus Bitch told a cheerleader (whom she was not previously friends with) to change her Twitter picture... The next day it was changed.

We followed the dance with a Sheetz run, where I proceeded to get kicked out. 

Scenario: There was a box of shit in the middle of the store, so I grabbed a mac and cheese and looked at it.

Cunt Working: Don't touch that stuff
Me: Why?
Cunt Working: Cause it ain't for sale
Me: Well there is no sign saying it isn' for sale
Cunt Working: Do you need a sign for everything?
Me: Well yes, it is a store
Cunt Working: So you need a sign for everything?
Me: Actually no... I'm a creative thinker...
Cunt Working: I'm calling the cops
Me: I don't want this anyway... bitch



Then she picked up the phone and I slowly left as an attempt to act like a bad ass... then when I was out of sight I started running in to the car

Dino was still in Sheetz backing me up by saying, "Was that necessary ma'am!?"... Then she got kicked out.
Meanwhile Teach was in there egging on that Cunt Nugget saying, "She shouldn't of touched that, huh Ma'am?"

I went to sleep... Campus Bitch and Teach were not satisfied though and headed to Alto's at 2AM. In 45 minutes, Cheesecake, Jack and Ass Kicker shots took the best of them. Campus Bitch woke up with a 49 dollar bar tab in her pocket... No big deal.

Friday:

Did. Not. Move.



For the Poetry Lovers: www.Hannahsafren.weebly.com

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Random Thoughts


My thoughts as I approached the gym this afternoon:
 I hate when the closest parking spot is a two-minute walk to the gym
 It's way to sunny to be this hungover 

My thoughts while riding the elliptical (facing the outside):
 Why would heaven have gates? 
What I said to the Mosquito after watching it bang it’s body against the glass for 15 minutes: Dude you’re not getting through that glass
What I think the Mosquito said back: I'm gonna get your ass when you walk outside
I could be sleeping right now if I hadn't eaten that fucking feast at 2AM
I wish walking in to the gym meant you worked out

My thoughts while still riding the elliptical, but more so stalking my surroundings:
 Stop running so fast, you’re a cheerleader… and no one is chasing you.
 I wonder if the creator of Fruit Loop cereal is gay

For the Poetry Lovers: www.HannahSafren.Weebly.com

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Expect the Unexpected

Shepherd’s go-to quote is “Expect the Unexpected.” 

That alone is expected- along with the fact that that quote would be sufficient for any college atmosphere.

Tonight for instance, I am watching Campus Bitch play Dreidle… yes "I had a little Dreidle"- that kind of Dreidle....Except by Dreidle, I really mean guess a shape (Hebrew Letter) and if it lands on your shape of choice, you have to drink. 

She’s not drinking tonight though, just reliving last night.

Apparently, Wednesday is the designated day off this week. I know this for ONE reason only… the definition of SO COLLEGE is sitting in 420’s living room- right next to me.

Here is a picture of her:


I’m just kidding... that’s the fake College – only took that picture because seeing her in the library is equivalent to magically waking up to a completed five page paper on the day it’s due.

THISSSSS is the real College… Taking a day off and THAT is unexpected.








Yes, those pictures were taken simultaneously. Out of her typical skimpy dress and rockin a Shepherd U football tee- Lookin like a true groupie. Replacing Lemon Drop shots for a large Mr. Pibb...She slept til 1:00 this afternoon and spent her evening making Tacos...

That's all. 


For the Poetry Lovers: www.hannahsafren.weebly.com

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Presidential Election


Today begins my destructive weekend- one full of carbs, calories and a loss of a memory.

With only one week left of class before exams, most are kicking into their final-study gear, while I… am kicking over the beer cans lying on our kitchen floor.

Topic of the day- Presidential Candidacy

Purpose- to thank Santorum for dropping out of the election.

This is not the 1950’s, so why Santorum ever thought that a homo-hating, home-school teaching, on a mission from God following moron could survive in this progressive age is preposterous to me.

Go smoke a blunt Santorum, God planted it for a reason- So chill the hell out.

Of course Ronny Paul, who may very well be older than the Republican Party itself and Gingrich, who isn’t good for anything except changing wives, are still hoping for that spike in the polls.

But realistically, the 2012 election is between a Mormon and a Black guy.

The only reason I mention their minority status, is simply out of jealousy… Can we get a Jew in the mix… Jesusssss.


Now let’s pray. 

For the Poetry Lovers: www.hannahsafren.weebly.com

Monday, April 9, 2012

Olympics and the Amish


Beer Olympics was a success.

Even though my Red Squad gizzed in second behind the Black Squad, it was a clean fight- only broke one picture frame and two ping pong balls. 

Didn't even know about the picture frame until I saw this:



Marilyn missing! And trust me, Dave and Muhammad are pissed.

Unfortunately, the Olympics ended one event early due to a wrestling battle between a Red member and a Green member… It was similar to two hot chicks mud wrestling- except exactly the opposite.

We headed to the bar.

Picture 32 drunk morons decked out in black, red, green and blue walking into a bar that holds no more than 50- and that’s a squeeze.

Example of Morons:


Check out those poses- Success.

I quickly realized that there was not one stable person in the near vicinity and being unintentionally bumped and grined on while attempting to carry on a conversation about Italian food is fucking annoying.

So I headed to McDonalds for a double cheeseburger with mac sauce.

Woke up the following day to 3 bottles of wine and the sun screaming, “Hi Fatass, did you know that working out and vegetables are for the Amish? Yeah, so grab a high percentage of alcohol and I will help you wrinkle your skin and liver.”

So I proceeded to do just that.

And here I am now, looking oddly similar to the red- nosed reindeer

Wondering when I got classy enough to think that drinking 6 bottles of 3 dollar wine and 2 bottles of 16 dollar wine was okay

Still confused on why the Sun told me that working out and vegetables were for the Amish

And contemplating the intentions of Boobs- she just asked me if she could apply to Grad School over her Iphone.


Goals this week:
Run- run farther than down the stairs into the kitchen.

For the Poetry Lovers: www.hannahsafren.weebly.com