Recap

420 spent the last 30 minutes TRYING to recap our week. We know for sure that we are out a few hundred dollars combined, the rest however is a blur... besides a few sketchy scenarios

Monday

Location: Alto's 

Event: Campus Bitch's Birthday

In celebration of Campus Bitch being 22, someone bought her a cake, then she shoved it in Red's face. We headed to Alto's for 25 cent brewskis. At midnight, the Bartender cut the music off and the entire bar sang Happy Birthday as we took shots of Patron...

That Bitch vommed all night... Sucks to be old.  

Our living room table the next morning: 

Tuesday

Location: Alto's

Event: Campus Bitch's 2nd Party

We laid around on our itchy living room couches contemplating drinking the rest of a Patron bottle. At midnight, three of the morons pulled themselves together and headed to Alto's. I was making love to my pillow when I received a phone call around 2AM PLEADING for a ride home. Boobs thanked me dearly, while Teach was in the back repeating, "How am I stilllll aliiiiive." 

Apparently Campus Bitch had snuck out earlier because she couldn't handle three people trying to buy her drinks and get in her pants with such a bad hangover headache... I mean who could?

Wednesday

Location: Soccer House

Event: Still Campus Bitch's Birthday

Some chick spent the evening searching for her boyfriend's hat because if she didn't find it, than he wouldn't give her any... oh okay.

Some dude bet some other dude 20 dollars that he couldn't pick up some chick... he lost.

Some other chick went to Sheetz and asked if the Meetballs were fried... No was obviously the answer.

Thursday

Location: 420, than Tony's, than of course Alto's

Event: Thursday night

Pretty sure the entire Baseball team was at 420. Then we made them leave so that we could attend Tony's and dance... we did. While we were there, Campus Bitch told a cheerleader (whom she was not previously friends with) to change her Twitter picture... The next day it was changed.

We followed the dance with a Sheetz run, where I proceeded to get kicked out. 

Scenario: There was a box of shit in the middle of the store, so I grabbed a mac and cheese and looked at it.

Cunt Working: Don't touch that stuff

Me: Why?

Cunt Working: Cause it ain't for sale

Me: Well there is no sign saying it isn' for sale

Cunt Working: Do you need a sign for everything?

Me: Well yes, it is a store

Cunt Working: So you need a sign for everything?

Me: Actually no... I'm a creative thinker...

Cunt Working: I'm calling the cops

Me: I don't want this anyway... bitch

Then she picked up the phone and I slowly left as an attempt to act like a bad ass... then when I was out of sight I started running in to the car

Dino was still in Sheetz backing me up by saying, "Was that necessary ma'am!?"... Then she got kicked out.

Meanwhile Teach was in there egging on that Cunt Nugget saying, "She shouldn't of touched that, huh Ma'am?"

I went to sleep... Campus Bitch and Teach were not satisfied though and headed to Alto's at 2AM. In 45 minutes, Cheesecake, Jack and Ass Kicker shots took the best of them. Campus Bitch woke up with a 49 dollar bar tab in her pocket... No big deal.

Friday:

Did. Not. Move.

For the Poetry Lovers: www.Hannahsafren.weebly.com

Random Thoughts

My thoughts as I approached the gym this afternoon:

 I hate when the closest parking spot is a two-minute walk to the gym

 It's way to sunny to be this hungover 

My thoughts while riding the elliptical (facing the outside):

 Why would heaven have gates? 

What I said to the Mosquito after watching it bang it’s body against the glass for 15 minutes: Dude you’re not getting through that glass

What I think the Mosquito said back: I'm gonna get your ass when you walk outside

I could be sleeping right now if I hadn't eaten that fucking feast at 2AM

I wish walking in to the gym meant you worked out

My thoughts while still riding the elliptical, but more so stalking my surroundings:

 Stop running so fast, you’re a cheerleader… and no one is chasing you.

 I wonder if the creator of Fruit Loop cereal is gay

For the Poetry Lovers: www.HannahSafren.Weebly.com

Expect the Unexpected

Shepherd’s go-to quote is “Expect the Unexpected.” 

That alone is expected- along with the fact that that quote would be sufficient for any college atmosphere.

Tonight for instance, I am watching Campus Bitch play Dreidle… yes "I had a little Dreidle"- that kind of Dreidle....Except by Dreidle, I really mean guess a shape (Hebrew Letter) and if it lands on your shape of choice, you have to drink. 

She’s not drinking tonight though, just reliving last night.

Apparently, Wednesday is the designated day off this week. I know this for ONE reason only… the definition of SO COLLEGE is sitting in 420’s living room- right next to me.

Here is a picture of her:

I’m just kidding... that’s the fake College – only took that picture because seeing her in the library is equivalent to magically waking up to a completed five page paper on the day it’s due.

THISSSSS is the real College… Taking a day off and THAT is unexpected.

Yes, those pictures were taken simultaneously. Out of her typical skimpy dress and rockin a Shepherd U football tee- Lookin like a true groupie. Replacing Lemon Drop shots for a large Mr. Pibb...She slept til 1:00 this afternoon and spent her evening making Tacos...

That's all. 

For the Poetry Lovers: www.hannahsafren.weebly.com

Presidential Election

Today begins my destructive weekend- one full of carbs, calories and a loss of a memory.

With only one week left of class before exams, most are kicking into their final-study gear, while I… am kicking over the beer cans lying on our kitchen floor.

Topic of the day- Presidential Candidacy

Purpose- to thank Santorum for dropping out of the election.

This is not the 1950’s, so why Santorum ever thought that a homo-hating, home-school teaching, on a mission from God following moron could survive in this progressive age is preposterous to me.

Go smoke a blunt Santorum, God planted it for a reason- So chill the hell out.

Of course Ronny Paul, who may very well be older than the Republican Party itself and Gingrich, who isn’t good for anything except changing wives, are still hoping for that spike in the polls.

But realistically, the 2012 election is between a Mormon and a Black guy.

The only reason I mention their minority status, is simply out of jealousy… Can we get a Jew in the mix… Jesusssss.

Now let’s pray. 

For the Poetry Lovers: www.hannahsafren.weebly.com

Olympics and the Amish

Beer Olympics was a success.

Even though my Red Squad gizzed in second behind the Black Squad, it was a clean fight- only broke one picture frame and two ping pong balls. 

Didn't even know about the picture frame until I saw this:

Marilyn missing! And trust me, Dave and Muhammad are pissed.

Unfortunately, the Olympics ended one event early due to a wrestling battle between a Red member and a Green member… It was similar to two hot chicks mud wrestling- except exactly the opposite.

We headed to the bar.

Picture 32 drunk morons decked out in black, red, green and blue walking into a bar that holds no more than 50- and that’s a squeeze.

Example of Morons:

Check out those poses- Success.

I quickly realized that there was not one stable person in the near vicinity and being unintentionally bumped and grined on while attempting to carry on a conversation about Italian food is fucking annoying.

So I headed to McDonalds for a double cheeseburger with mac sauce.

Woke up the following day to 3 bottles of wine and the sun screaming, “Hi Fatass, did you know that working out and vegetables are for the Amish? Yeah, so grab a high percentage of alcohol and I will help you wrinkle your skin and liver.”

So I proceeded to do just that.

And here I am now, looking oddly similar to the red- nosed reindeer

Wondering when I got classy enough to think that drinking 6 bottles of 3 dollar wine and 2 bottles of 16 dollar wine was okay

Still confused on why the Sun told me that working out and vegetables were for the Amish

And contemplating the intentions of Boobs- she just asked me if she could apply to Grad School over her Iphone.

Goals this week:

Run- run farther than down the stairs into the kitchen.

For the Poetry Lovers: www.hannahsafren.weebly.com

Those Guys

Neighbors… you have them, you are one, often times you don’t like them.

We are “those” neighbors.

The ones that will buy the Girl Scout cookies from those conniving, smiling, vest-wearing, scooter driving, fourth graders that probably already ate half the box, but their cheeks are so damn chubby you have to dish out the money before you squeeze the shit out of them.

The ones that donate to the little rascals handing out school tickets for prizes and even though you know they are pocketing the cash for themselves, you resist saying, “Here ya go ya little fuck,” and instead blurt out, “Here ya go buddy, take my breakfast money.”

We are those neighbors that offer your kids basketball tips and lie loudly and willingly about how reading is the key to success, with the hope that you won’t call the cops on us every time we squeeze 73 people in to our living room.

Those neighbors that make an extra effort to ask how your day went even though we know you’ve hated us ever since we parked that car in your lawn.

We are those neighbors that are asking forgiveness for letting your children play corn hole with us while we are shit faced and for keeping you awake on Thursday nights.

With this being said, Friday is Beer Olympics… prepare yourself.

For the Poetry Lovers: www.hannahsafren.weebly.com

Guess

Some nights are unexplainable. However, I have learned to think strategically and base outcomes simply off of observation... 

Here... you try

Decent variety... always bad

Birthday balloon... two months old

Gorgeous: every day and every night

My bedroom door... not on my bedroom door frame

For the Poetry Lovers: www.hannahsafren.weebly.com