Lessons of a Saturday

The following lessons are hardly beneficial, but for those seeking advice from a below average student attending a West Virginia Institution, I suggest you continue reading.

Lesson 1

Might-As-Well-Be-Virgin-2 sends me a text message depicting a broken windshield and a message stating:

Dancing on cars- Priceless

Broken Windshield- So College

PE Teacher had Pop, Locked and Drop Kicked her windshield in to pieces.

FYI- Last time my cool teammates decided to dance on cars, they got caught. PE Teacher’s mom let her borrow her Mini Van for a week due to a broken transmission in her typical sweet ride. Might-As-Well-Be-Virgin-2 got a message from the PE Teacher’s Mom asking why she was waving her hands in the air in the middle of an empty parking lot on top of her Mini Van.

No response.

Lesson Learned: Don’t dance on cars.

Lesson 2

My brother visited this weekend. He’s always good for obnoxious entertainment and eating our life supply of food.

On his last visit he sang songs over the house intercom at 3AM. After the PE Teacher threw her closet at him, she slammed her door shut and threatened his life. He proceeded with his performance by switching to lullabies in an attempt to nicely lull her to sleep I assume.

Such a gentleman.

Last night Morris avoided the intercom and focus on the refrigerator. He mushed 24 chocolate chip cookies together, threw them in a pan and cooked them for ten minutes.

He then grabbed an oven mitt and a fork and spent the next 13 minutes watching YouTube videos of Lady Gaga and preparing his next attack on the fridge.

Goodbye Taco meat, dessert, cereal, homemade fudge, chips, salsa and noodles.

Lesson Learned: Lock fridge when entertaining guests.

Lesson 3

PE Teacher is out for the season due to a knee injury. She tripped and slid face first down 9 Stairs.

(She claims Dinosaur bumped in to her, but it’s funnier to assume her knee gave out.)

As she laid paralyzed on the living room carpet, NONE of us even attempted to sit up from the couch to help her.

Dinosaur did kindly ask if she was okay, but only as she stepped over her to take the last spot on the couch.

Eventually she rose from her grave and let us know she barely felt anything.

Lesson learned: Don’t trip. It’s either funny or insignificant- either way no one cares if it hurt or not.

Lesson 4

This morning a few friends and I went to Betty’s for breakfast. I attempted to wake Morris to join, but he said he’d prefer to stay and cuddle with a body pillow for a couple more hours.

While waiting to be seated, I spotted my hungover ex-teammates that had been in town for Alumni Weekend. I heard quick stories of their night. It basically consisted of dancing with random foreigners and forgetting the rest.

They basically explained that they had just had a great reunion and wonderful Saturday night.

Lesson Learned: Graduate… immediately.

15 Minutes

First 15 Minutes of Practice

Background: I cracked my foot a bit more a few days ago in practice, so prior to warming up I have a slight prayer session with the Jewish God and then I attempt to run. Most of the time my body moves. Last few days … Ehhh, not really working.

As I left the locker room this afternoon I said, “I’m gonna go try to run now… wish me luck.”

S.I.L.E.N.C.E

I listened in through the cracked door and overheard Beaver say “Don’t everyone start wishing at once.”

So I decided to reenter obnoxiously, call them all assholes and once again exit.

Side note: My running was more like a pimp jog. I decided that would suffice for today.

We began stretching.

Red begins every stretch with a song or two. Today she chose Christmas Carols.

Might-As-Well-Be-Virgin-2 avoids stretching (she’s so cool), so as we did plyometrics, she made out with an apple. I called her a fat ass and shoved her against the wall.

Side Note: Her coolness was shown when she received FOUR friend requests from Concord University. Remember the whole Holly Bibb Friend request blog? Yeah, her request was followed by three lesbian requests. I assume they figured she was a homo. (She totally has that homo swagger) HAHA…

P.S. To the world’s surprise, she dates a ginger- causing us to wonder if she’d be better off with a chick.

Miss Spider Man (another Senior Captain) took practice off because 17 of her body parts are broken, sprained, or missing. So as we stretched and she cried, she comforted herself with Doritos. I also called her a fat ass, but avoided shoving her in to a wall based on the possibility of her body disassembling.

God bless our team.

First 15 Minutes Post-Practice

We have the greatest group of fans. We headed to the skybox for film and…SURPRISE! Our fans had cookies, brownies, fudge, fruit and veggies awaiting our attack. We apparently “brighten their day, every time we play,” so they wanted to show their appreciation.

SO CUTE.

Anyways, among our mingling, one of our fans asked if Little Baby and I were sisters. I answered “No Miss Fan, I’m not Mexican.”  Little Baby later asked if she could start calling me sissy. I told her I’d consider it if she converted to Judaism.

I then proceeded to stuff four pieces of fudge down my throat to avoid any more conversations.

(I took two trays of leftovers home with me.)

P.S. Huge game tomorrow against West Virginia Wesleyan. I’m currently preparing for an amazing Facebook status.

Contact me if you have any ideas.

I Deserve This

I was attending to my broken foot in the Wheeling Jesuit training room, when God spoke to me. He didn’t light a bush to grab my attention, or display any miracle for that matter. But I heard him loud and clear.

As I sulked about my broken body, I overheard these nice Catholic girls of Wheeling Jesuit University talking nasty about another team in our conference -University of Pitt Johnstown.

UPJ has a set of twins that are obnoxious, but so am I. The difference is that they are memorable and I am worth forgetting.

The following is a direct quote from Miss Catholic regarding UPJ’s twins: “I’ve never seen such an ugly girl… and there are 2 of them!”

Two things came to mind when she stated this awful opinion.

1.      Wheeling Jesuit University is covered in crosses. The campus is literally screaming, “NO JEWS ALLOWED.” Yet, with these inappropriate comments I wondered, if Jesus is pointing at you in all directions, why have you not found him?

2.      That’s funny we were JUST talking about those twins…

I hid my smile, glared at Miss Catholic and told her that one of the twins was my cousin and I didn’t approve of her comment… neither did God.

We beat Wheeling by 15. This is when God came to me.

I was sitting in a broken green chair silently clutching my broken foot as my teammates showered, packed up and prepared to leave this awful campus.

That’s when God came to me. He said something along the lines of “Catholic girls are never good. They deserve this loss.”

I laughed and got in the shower.

Then I started thinking, why is that I have a broken foot? The sting of a break lasts a lot longer than the sting of a loss.

… I deserve this loss.

I Got Dicked

Dinosaur and I were doing dishes. DISHES.

Dick sleeps in the basement for right reasons. Great for us, Sucks for him -he hears our every step. Unfortunately for him, I eat at 9am, 10am, 12:30pm, 5pm, 7pm and 12:30am… like clockwork. I make a point to stomp across the kitchen floor at my designated eating times, for the simple purpose of annoying him.

He started banging obnoxiously on the ceiling for us to shut up, but instead I decided to bang pans together.

Around noon, Dick and I had a short text conversation:

Dick: Stop cleaning at 9:00 in the morning.

Me: Stop bringing home ugly chicks.

Dick: Stop.

Me: Someone has to do the dishes.

Dick: Stop.

I never responded and assumed the argument was over.

WRONG.

 Dick takes payback seriously. Although he is 28, his every day mindset is equivalent to a 13 year old boy after his first boner –excited and immature.

TV time came around, but Ellen DeGeneres was rudely disrupted by Dick barging in to my room and pouring an entire bag of Flour all over me and my life.

Dick: You want to clean? Well, have fun cleaning your room all afternoon...

What bothers me most is the fact that he never knocked on my door. Where have your manners gone old man?

45 minutes later I had showered, shoveled up four loads of laundry and vacuumed my carpet.

Total Dick move.