Quote of the Week

Dino- Your shorts look nice in this 40 degree weather.

You Don't Even Go Here 2 (Cunt)- I'll wear what I want, it's my spring break.

You Don't Even Go Here

I tried to set up a PayPal account tonight so that I could sell the So College shirts online, but then I got carried away.

Red’s over here sticking needles in fake skin. She claims it’s her nursing homework, but I really just think she’s a sick fuck.

She kept putting saline bubbles into the fake skin, so I proceeded to pop them. Then my ADD kicked in…

I think I’ll try tomorrow.

Story of the day:

You-Don’t-Even-Go-Here-2 was visiting… again. She just came over to say bye (finally) and tell us a story. I’m going to call her Cunt from here on out because Cunt is the opposite of Dick- You’ll understand soon.

Cunt is staying in the on-campus apartments with Might-As-Well-Be-Virgin-1 and 2. During her boring afternoon on their living room couch awaiting their arrival home from classes, she heard a random knock.

Assuming it was one of her friends, she screamed, “Come on in!” in a sexually, seducing voice.

In walks the R.A. for a random room check.

“Welcome to my humble abode!”

The R.A. approached Cunt and asked for her Rambler (University ID).

Cunt did the Macarena, grabbing herself obnoxiously in search of a Rambler she knew she would not find.

“Ahh… I must have left it in my room.”

The R.A. asked her for a signature for proof of the room check.

“I can do that.”

See, Cunt is one of a kind- very quick witted, very entertaining, good sense of asshole.

She reached for the R.A’s pen and quickly began signing her new identity: Might-As-Well-Be-Virgin-2.

After spending a minute or two on the bubble letter signature, she dotted the “I’s” with hearts and said “let me show you around.”

Cunt offered M-A-W-B-V-2’s snacks to the R.A as they went from room to room discussing the status of the apartment.

Every room passed with flying colors until it was time for Cunt’s room… I mean Might-As-Well-Be-Virgin-2’s room.

The R.A. approached the last room and yelled, “Do you have the key to this room?”

Cunt- Nope, but no one is in there don’t worry it’s clean.

R.A- Whose room is it?

Cunt- Umm… mine.

R.A- Oh, well I’ll open it… you can get your key.

The R.A opened the door with the master key, but stood in disbelief at the piles and piles of dirty laundry hiding the room.

Cunt- I’m a hoarder… umm… I can’t get rid of anything.

R.A- I see…

Cunt- I haven’t done laundry in weeks

R.A- I see…You have a lot of shoes

Cunt- Yeah, I gotta look fresh in my sweet kicks.

After a weird look, Cunt followed up with another dumbass remark.

Cunt- Actually, I’m really having a hard time finding a roommate for next year

R.A- oh no… who is your roommate?

Cunt- oh, she is living with someone else.

R.A- AWW…Well, there are a lot of programs you can try. There is a random roommate and…

Cunt- No, No, No, I’m fine. I’m probably moving off campus anyways.

After getting sympathy from the R.A, Cunt proceeded to repeatedly thank the R.A for ignoring the messy room and “passing” them.

The R.A said “Thank you M-A-W-B-V-2, see you soon.”

Cunt felt so bad about stealing an identity, she took out their trash. So Sweet.

FYI- Dick Tans.

His explanation… “I’m going to the beach in three days.”

A Sober Perspective

The following Blog is written by PE Teacher. I figured since my recollection of the night's events may be slightly altered, she was better suited to do the entertaining... Enjoy.

Here’s a little overview of the events that occurred during my Designating Driving responsibilities last night.

I decided it was a good idea for me to go home for the day and stay away from Shepherd for an evening in an attempt to cure my horrible hangover. I walk in the door and my mom sees my day-old nose piercing and says “take it out or give me your credit card.”

I now have a hole in my nose and I’m out 50 dollars.

After a text from Red asking if I had Might As Well Be Virgin #2’s important nail polish for the highlighter party, I grabbed my friend from home (the blogspot writer decided to name her Tank for her survival of the 21 shots on her birthday) and we forged the road back to Shepherd.

I took my mom’s minivan from home (for maximal drunk bitch space) and made my Facebook status accordingly:

“Cuz I may be bad but im perfectly good at it. Being bad=DDing in the minivan”

And we set off for my responsibilities. My responsibilities included:

1.      Doing whatever blogspot writer said

2.       Karting 15 girls around

3.      Holding wallets/car keys and ID’s

4.      Taking my Mc Fat-Ass teammates to wherever they wanted to eat.

You know, the usual.

After a few hours of driving back and forth we decide to stay at a local apartment complex for a while. So when blogspot writer decided she NEEDED some Mc Donalds because she was STARVING, we set off towards the mini with Tank and Baby. I searched everywhere for my keys but I couldn’t find them anywhere. All 3 of them told me they were going to help me look for them in the apartment rooms.

FYI- Helping me=pissed they couldn’t get their Mc Donalds/ returning to the party pretending to be looking.

After asking every drunk person and looking everywhere, I realized that even though I lost my car keys, I was still the DD and I still needed to perform my responsibilities. So at that exact moment that I had my epiphany, the cops decided to show up to tell the drunk bitches to shut up. I decided to take one for the team. I hopped in the back of the cop car and demanded a ride back to 420.

Riding in the back of a cop car = CHECK

           

I took Dick’s car and headed back to the apartments to drive the drunkies to Tonys. After piling 10 drunk girls in the Xterra, we head to Tonys.

Rule Number 1: DO NOT tell the designated driver how to drive. Sit down, Shut up.

I dropped them off and Tank and I headed back to the mini to figure out what to do. After being on hold for an hour with AAA (good thing it wasn’t THAT big of an emergency) I decided to have the mini towed back to 420 because technically it was parked illegally (in front of the dumpster blocking 2 cars in, we do what we want around here).

The texts came pouring in after that:

“Where are you?”

“Where is my wallet?”

“Can you come get me?”

“Where is my bag?”

“Where is my alcohol?”

You get it…

It took all I had not to respond with “figure it out your fucking self,” but instead, I set off again to continue with my responsibilities. Blogspot writer was the first to get picked up. Still wanting her McDonalds, we go to the bullshit late night menu with one of the drunk bitches getting out of the car to pee behind the dumpster. Super, that’s all we needed, a drunk in public citation. Luckily, we got the double cheeseburgers successfully.

Then I get another call because one of my “responsibilities” got kicked out of Tonys for being too young. I pull up to get her while Might As Well Be Virgin #2 yelled at the car behind me to “shut the fuck up” for their obnoxious use of their horns. My “responsibility” was carried into the car and with my broken knee, I carried the responsibility to her room and put her in bed. I was expecting a “thank you” but all I got was screams of how she needed her phone to call her ex-lover. When I said no, she began screaming like a little kid throwing a temper tantrum.

I left her phone on the opposite end of the room and walked out… HAHA…cunt.

After about 2 more trips, I finally got everyone tucked into their beds and I sat in the apartment parking lot for another hour waiting for tow truck guy. Around 4am the night came to an end when tow truck guy finally showed up. Luckily, tow truck guy was extremely hot, and I considered letting him maneuver my body like the way he maneuvered the minivan.

So here I am now, sitting on the couch at 420, listening to the stories of my “responsibilities” and contemplating what to do with the minivan parked crookedly in the driveway. I have no keys, no way home to switch cars, no way to get Tank home and regardless of my sober night, I still have a pounding headache.  

Please accept the above statement as a formal resignation from ever, EVER designated driving ever again.

Love,

PE Teacher

12 Days Left

I needed a couple days off.

I didn’t blog Wednesday because I was sulking over the fact that my junior year basketball season was over.

See, the game against Charleston didn’t go according to plan… we lost. BUT, with every negative there is a positive.

The positive was Might-As-Well-Be-Virgin’s Facebook conversation with a Concord softball player. You may be wondering how she met a softball player from another school in our conference, but I think the following will explain…

Lesbian Lover February 28 at 9:57pm

hey i know you don't know me, but i saw you play us a couple weeks ago and i just want to tell you i think your one of the most beautiful girls I've ever saw..

Might-As-Well-Be-Virgin-2 March 2 at 8:41pm
Seen*...and thank you. We have similar views because I myself think I'm beautiful..."Pretty Girl Rock" is my theme song. But we do differ in the fact that I'm not gay...just a heads up. I will however accept your friendship...nice to meet you ;)
Sent via Facebook Mobile

Lesbian Lover March 2 at 8:42pm Report
haha thats fine idc if your gay .. i just wanted to let you know lol

Funny.

I couldn’t blog Thursday because we were forced to go shopping and buy away our sadness- like a momentary high kinda thing. It worked for a couple hours- then I got bus sick. We left the mall around 1:00 and by 3, I was wishing I had never left Shepherd.

After arriving home around 6:30, I wanted nothing more than a bed. I was deemed the biggest loser on the team and apparently missed out on dancing in cool clothes and eating bacon off the kitchen floor.

Negative: I always miss out on the cool shit.

Positive: My grandma has a So College shirt and wore it around town the other day.

Imagine seeing an 80 year old woman in a bright pink shirt with “I’d rather feel good than be good” written on it… wow.

She called me and said, “I got so many high-fives. That’s what they’re called right?... High-fives?”

Nice.

I couldn’t blog all day today because I had a 12:20 appointment with my doctor regarding my foot… Still broken.

I have a surgery scheduled for the 16^th.

Negative: No spring break/ no fun for the next five or six months.

Positive: Nothing. Just kidding, I get to take good drugs for a few weeks.

I told my Dad I wanted to pursue a career in blogging and drug dealing, but after serious consideration, he explained that I could do more with my life –like selling roofing materials.

Anyways, so here I am, on my living room couch on a Friday night with my roommates. I envision myself sitting here a lot over the next few months of my life. I’ll probably eat a lot of ice and pretend like I’m not jealous of my friends jogging in the sunny breeze or playing volleyball in the sand.

Gee.

I plan on spending the next 12 days jumping up and down for no reason- just because I still can. I could continue writing about how sorry I feel for myself and how I haven’t walked without pain in over a year, but then I heard Dick coughing obnoxiously. He claims he is dying of old age. I all of a sudden feel very good about my current 21 year old life.

Just for extra entertainment: Dick told Red to get the Oreo’s.

She said “You ask so much of me. You want me to dye my hair, you want me to learn how to play golf, you want me to get skinny…”

Dick never responded, but Red DID get the Oreos.